My Source of Happiness

To: Me

From: My Light Self

Message:

Something that I’ve struggled with for most of my life:

What is my source of sweetness in life? What is my source of happiness?

I was told long ago that one’s true source of happiness has to come from within…that anything external is at best only temporary, and at worst, can be turned against me…

I tried to find it in friends and relationships, but those come and go… and with betrayal as a theme in my life…definitely not a permanent source of happiness

I tried to find it in cars and motorcycles, but when those got crashed I lost more than just the car or motorcycle

I tried to find it in athleticism and travel, but then I saw how I was just being vain… and the body doesn’t stay young forever

I find some happiness in my job… but that has ups and downs, and I feel it’s unwise to be defined by a job

The last relationship I was in brought me a lot of happiness... I put all my effort into that relationship… But when it ended in betrayal, oh wow did that happiness turn into something else… I grappled with my feelings and thoughts, desperately trying to find the silver lining to it all…finding several, as many as I could, but perhaps those were just scattered thoughts and lacking a firm belief

My knee pains told me that I’m dragging on my emotional conflicts…that I’m unable to move on

I’ve known for years…decades…to find happiness from within…but I just didn’t know how

The common theme in all the things I tried to find true happiness in are that they are all things outside of myself, all external validations… Given enough time I’ve seen them all turn sour

However, I do see another common theme in all those past failed attempts: Me… that I was there, trying my best…each time picking myself up off of the floor…convincing myself to try again…I think somewhere in all the attempts I know that finding true happiness would be worth it… that _I_ am worth it

Maybe history forgets me and no one will ever know my story, but _I_ know how many times I struggled and fell.. and I know how many times I got back up to try again... If I heard a story of someone else doing that I’d be proud of them…I’d be inspired by them… and now, I can say I’m proud of myself…that I’m inspired by myself

In my quest to find happiness I tried everything, and everything eventually failed…but, I didn’t fail…for I never gave up on myself

I believe I can now say that “I am my source of happiness”

In my journey to learn this lesson, I am grateful to all energies involved, and I forgive myself for having to put myself through all that to learn