Irritations

To: Windy Knees

From: My Light Self

Message:

A scene that left an impression on me is from Dragon Ball Z, an Japanese anime. Over the course of the original Dragon Ball, Goku a powerful child from another planet, had many clashes with General Tao of the Red Ribbon Army as he put a stop their evil plans. There were many times where General Tao tried to kill Goku. In Dragon Ball Z, many years after Goku and General Tao's battles were over and they saw each other again at the World Martial Arts Tournament, Goku, now a grown man said "Hey! General Tao!? Is that you? Remember me? My name's Goku. We've had our differences, but it's good to see you again!" While it is a fictional story, it embodies everything I strive to be when it comes to bitterness, resentment, grudges, and hanging on to the past

Goku holds no grudges... he only becomes angry in an actual fight and he uses that anger to bring the fight to an end (mind you these are physical fights, not "heated discussions")... When the fight is over he's back to being his usual cheerful, energetic self, however, he's become stronger after gaining experience... He completely let go what others tried to do to him or his loved ones... no chance for the memory to become traumatic... He lets the past be in the past

Very unlike how I've handled my past traumas...reliving them in my mind, often... Thinking of the things I didn't know to say or do at the time... Continuing to be angry at how they made me feel so worthless... Harbouring resentment... Holding on to toxic memories... For years allowing it to take a toll on me... I realize that's giving my power away

Goku clearly won his battles... but, did I actually lose any of mine? I've learned now that the answer is no, only if I let them put out my light...

A big trauma that I let plague me for so long was the physical and mental abuse from my father... As a young child I learned from TV sitcoms what healthy family interactions were supposed to be like... I struggled with the thought of why is _my_ father this way? The way he punished his kids, for extremely petty things like not answering the phone within enough rings, as a child I thought were brutal and humiliating... Later, as I became a grown adult myself, and I began to know the strength difference between an adult male and a child, I realized that those punishments were just de-humanizing... Is it ever acceptable for a fully grown adult male to use his utmost full strength to beat a 5 year old child???

No. Fucking. Way. Absolutely never. Ever.

When I was in my 20's he was in his late 50's the thought had occurred to me: I'm an adult now, I can stand toe-to-toe with him...what if I returned to him all the pain he caused me as a child?

I acknowledged the rage that stewed inside of me, but I knew that things could've gone very wrong...what if one of us dies, or becomes crippled? Is it worth going to jail for? He ruined my childhood, was I going to let him ruin my whole life too?

Over the years I learned that he can no longer hurt me, physically or emotionally...only if I let him... He is still an asshole though, and depending on how my energy level was at any given time I could either be at peace or still allow myself to be triggered... My mind would revisit to thoughts of "would've, could've, should've" more often than I'd like to admit... Much later in life I learned what traumatic events happened to him to turn him into a monster, and while I have empathy for that, my harsh upbringing doesn't just go away

The silver lining I can find is that I survived...more than that, I learned to flourish... I learned what is integrity and defined standard for myself I choose to live by, where I try to lift others up instead of beating them down... It was hard... I prevented him from passing onto me his dysfunctional ways... I'm living my life differently... He, however, is nearing 80 years old, half in the grave and still the broken man he always was... By several accounts I believe I can say I won

A somewhat recent event that I used to hold much bitterness and irritation over was the breakup with my ex... Over the past 2 years at times I would catch myself thinking about things my bitter self wanted to say to my her over how things ended... How could she treat me so poorly after everything we overcame together, after everything I did for her? How could she be so hypocritical? So spiteful? What happened to the person I once loved?

Rationally, I know that even if I said all that to her it would make zero difference...with every bit of logic that drives her back further against the wall she'd only become more defensive...more dark... I think I just wanted to say these things to get back at her...

Really, I think I should know better... There are memories from that relationship that I _do_ cherish... I know that so much good came from that relationship, and if I had to I'd do it all again... So why be so fixated on how I was hurt, or how it ended so different from whatever my expectations were, when really that must've made up only a small percentage of the total of something that I know was good? Even though we've both moved on, to give her power like that yet only in my head is silly... I can choose to be better than that

As I look back on my life so far, I'm so happy to tell myself that in every past trauma and negative situation I've faced, _I've won_... I'm still here... I'm still alive... I'm stronger now that I've gained more experience... Back then I struggled with what to say, or what actions to take, or how to feel... but, now I know what I would do... and if a similar situation were to ever come up, I know I can handle it and still be the best version of myself I strive to be... _No one can take that away from me_ ... "Would've, could've, should've" is a waste of time and energy, and gives power away to those that tried to make less out of me... the key would being they _tried_... I am the only one with final say on what I become from it...

I have much to be grateful for... It took a long time to find peace in all this (the two stories I've told here, and many, many more)... But ultimately, I'm thankful to have found it...to have gained the experience...to allow myself to be stronger because of it... Forgive me, me, for taking so long...and I'm grateful to you for being here

Namaste